Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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