Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
