I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Randomize
