After last night, I could never be a politician.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I need a beard to bite.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
