I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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