My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
is it fun? or sober?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
