ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
