Cold hands, warm shart.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
