They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
