You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
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