I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
