Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
literally had 100 drinks last night.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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