I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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