The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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