she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
