I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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