Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
