You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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