I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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