FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
