He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
