I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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