I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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