Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
