Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
