I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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