Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
