My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
