From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
