don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
