already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
