I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
