I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
