3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
