I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
