Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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