Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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