i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
