i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize