The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
