The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
