so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
