It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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