I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
