In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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