I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
