We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
