I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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