Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i think my cat just said my name.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
