I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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